Thoughts and Goals

Wednesday is here-have we already surpassed two days? Yes, we have. Today is our day to bake, and we've not baked a cake in two weeks; who wanted to last week with the extreme heat? We would have baked right here in the house, along with the cake! A day to spend on the back porch once my "chores" are done, and taking each moment as it comes. Comtemplating plans for the ECHO and for our weekly trip to the library.
My thoughts this morning seem to keep going back to books that I'm currently reading. Granted I'm reading them in chunks, as being a busy SAHM (stay-at-home mom) doesn't give me the time to read like I once had but I take what I can when it comes to quiet time for myself. So far this week, my oldest is taking an afternoon nap-can we say miracle? This, when combined with a napping one year old is like heaven. So far, I've taken the time to catch a show I've been meaning to watch (Netflix) or catch up on my reading. During those times, I also found myself just sitting and thinking about many different things that color my world. My reading lists seem to jump to the forefront, though. I'm getting ready to close a chapter in my reading life with the online study I've been a part of for almost ten weeks now. Reopening old wounds, doors that seemed once locked for eternity are now flung wide open. Looking at my life, foregiving the hurts and disappointments. I feel as if I'm standing in front of a full length mirror, taking a good, hard and long look at who I am. Where I've come from and where I stand today; knowing these helps project me to where I'm going for the future. I am marked by my experiences, being shaped into the woman I am yet to become. Setting those Gucci bags of bitterness, fear, and despair so far is the hardest thing to do but will be the most rewarding for the rest of my life. I can't white-wash my past but I can learn from it and let it go so it doesn't control my present or my future. My present needs me and my future will be shaped by the choices I make today. Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner has been a good read. I wonder if I'll take part in the study to follow. We'll see what happens.
I've also been reading Kitchen Table Wisdom, and to be honest, its been a hard read for me. Dr. Remen weaves her personal experiences of being a Crohn's Disease patient into the fabric of some of her many patients going through their own experiences. Most, if not just about all, of the stories I've read have been about cancer patients. And each story is different, with the color of reality of what cancer does to the patient diagnosed and the people in their lives. This book came at a time when I needed it the most. My maternal grandmother-mom's mom-passed away on Good Friday this year, after seven months from date of diagnosis: pancreatic cancer. I saw her when she was first diagnosed and three weeks before she passed. I kept in touch by phone, sending pictures through texting so she could see my boys and their lives. Its not the same as being present but its what I could do as she went through hospital stays, procedures, and treatments. In March, she said enough. She had her fill of what modern medicine was-and wasn't-doing for her. As she has always been the matriarch of my mother's family, this is the hardest hit we've ever experienced. With three and a little more months having passed since she transitioned to an eternity in heaven (I'm truly convinced she's there), we are still in a mode of numbness. Family gatherings, special events-we stumble along like zombie cattle. She's always been the center of it all, doing whatever she could to make each get together a memory.
My reading is bringing me to a level of a sort of understanding of what was going on for her, how her passing is affecting us, and what it means to continue living-because this is what she wants for all of us. I feel spiritually raw, emotionally exposed. And yet, the small, still voice speaks to me of a time coming when true understanding is on the horizon. To help with this transition for myself, I'm reading a third book, based on meditation for women. What I've learned so far in life, we pray for answers, healing, help. What we don't do often enough is to meditate to hear the response to our petitions. I'm learning, I'm learning.
So, my goals? To finish the three books in question-please see my book list of spiritually inspired books (leave out the Shadows book, as I've not picked it back up just yet), and to move back into the world of reading, researching, and writing. I've rough sketched what I want to focus on, finding inspiration in events and opportunities that are presenting themselves presently, and going with the flow of life as to where I'll be in the times to come.
With these thoughts posted, along with a brief burp of my goals, I'm off to bake cake, clean the garage, play with some visual artwork on the back porch, and love every moment I have with my boys. Life is good. The cardinals call to each other, embraced by the morning's singing of robins calling the sun to rise, the blue jays sending the squirrels scattering, and the weather waxes and wanes, so we're going to do what we can today. Enjoy! ~Momma