Stop, Breathe, Refocus

September is almost over; we are now in the final week of this season-changing month. Lots of things change in September, or so it seems, other than the season and its weather patterns. Its a time for reflection, remembering, preparing. Today, I resign myself to doing just that.
Over the weekend, a friend and somewhat of a co-worker passed away. I've not seen this person in over five years. I had received a friends request from his wife awhile back on FB, and only accepted that request about a couple of weeks ago. Did I wait too long? Perhaps I could have answered earlier. I could sit here and beat myself up while writing this post, but I also know that with my train of thought, nothing happens by chance. I responded when I was supposed to. I'm not one focused on luck, chance, or coincidence. I've always believed there is purpose and reason why things happen in the time that they do.
Over that last couple of weeks, I've been tired. Zachary is teething, which I think is starting to calm down a little bit. Thankfully. Nights have been patchy with sleep, soothing a little one to sleep for himself, let alone try to catch a few winks for myself. That tired feeling has followed me throughout some of my days, and there's a list of things for me to tackle to catch up with. It feels almost like most days are catch up days lately.
We have been handed a diagnosis of Autism for Tristan. Paperwork, appointments, and phone calls have commenced over the last couple of weeks. He will be attending preschool as soon as we have everything in place that he needs; this should be in the next couple of weeks, provided I keep pushing for what he needs. I will continue to homeschool, as a supplement. I will say no more today for this piece of information; it would encompass a post in itself.
Today is my day to do what is needed, making the most of the time set aside for fun with my boys, and to go with the flow. Time to empty my churning mind and be ok with non-perfection. With that said, I will sign off early to move ahead with my day to spend more time with my children. So, remember, take time to stop, breathe, and refocus. Be ok with taking a moment to feel the warmth of the sun on your face, smell the scents of the season, listen to the laughter of small children, and embrace life for every moment it presents. ~Momma

The Day After a Good Rant

Another morning of overcast, drizzle, and cool temps. Supposed to warm up and burn off with sunshine sometime today, which will be a blessing when it gets here.
Yesterday, I had a moment to rant. I believe, and I'm sure there are others who would feel the same, I had reason to do so. I don't go around ranting about politics and/or religion but when I see something that doesn't look or sound right, I speak up. I start out with scanning the irratation, roll my eyes up at it, ignore it, delete it, and then it just gets settled under my skin like a tick. That's when I have to voice and clear my mind. Now that I've done so, its cleared my mind to refocus where I need to be. Appointments, errands, emails, phone calls, etc....to have to tackle, aside from the daily tasks of housekeeping, homeschooling, and trying to make time for the list of "not a top priority" things to take on. The day in the life of the typical yet not typical SAHM (stay-at-home-mom).
I've still a bit of tasks to complete today, an appointment in the afternoon. My nights have been settled with a good book I'm trying to finish reading, aside from thinking about how nice it would be to get into my sewing projects. I'm hell-bent to dive in. I'll get there, I'm sure of it.
The bell is going off to move to the next level of my day, which encompasses a shower, getting the boys dressed for the day, school stuff with Tristan, and hopefully a nap for Zach. A semi-deep clean of the living room, and hopefully something fun for the boys to do today. Starting dinner around 2 pm, letting that cook while focused on whatever it is I need to at that time. So, ladies, as we move along with the day, remember to stay flexible. Last minute changes won't seem so heavy while carrying today's load. ~Momma

When Is Enough Enough?

Here I am, sitting in front of the screen, coffee in hand, mind spinning, and my thoughts leaping forth. I'm disappointed. I saw a posting on a friend's Facebook page that disturbed me, along with a post on my newsfeed page that made me start questioning social media. I like the idea of keeping in touch with what my friends from various parts of the world and my life are doing but I'm starting to question the cyber environment we've come to count on.
I never got into MySpace; too many drama queens there, along with people looking to "hook up." Grow up. Facebook appeared to have more grown up vibes, so after an invite, I signed up. Now I'm seeing lots of "paste & copy," "repost," and drama that I don't think belongs there. Games that take a person's focus off of real life-I never signed in for those and refuse to do so. I know a number of people with Twitter accounts but I'm not sure I have alot to offer with "tweeting." I have a LinkedIn account, in need of updating-appears to be a more grown up type of social media environment. I've got an invite to Google+ that I have yet to answer, which now I hear that site isn't doing so well. And then I hear about links posted on Facebook-read it, too-about how to kidnap, rape, and murder your friends for fun? When does the madness stop? Have we isolated ourselves that much with social media that we fail to know what is appropriate? What happened to engaging in an actual face-to-face conversation? I know for some of us who keep in touch by way of social networking, face-to-face isn't always possible, especially if there are hundreds or thousands of miles between friends. But really? Have we forgotten what it means to truly communicate with each other? And is it really "ha-ha" funny to post garbage that someone just might take seriously and put into action?
Don't get me wrong. I post my blog posts with social media. I read about business reviews friends post. I've "liked" topics of interest to me. I've touched base with people I've not seen or heard from since high school. Social networking can be a positive place to reconnect but there are some things that just don't belong. When the environment becomes a place I don't feel like logging into, I begin to question why I'm there to begin with. This thinking prompts me to take a cyber vacation. Perhaps its time for me to leave social media down to notification via email to go in and check to see what's new. I don't mind walking away for a bit; its healthy to back off of social networking now and then. Clears the mind and helps one to refocus.
So, for those who've read my post today, I'm not throwing in the towel. Taking a vacation, to clear my mind, to refocus and to take care of business. I will be posting on my blog, posting those posts to social media, and then checking out to smell the fresh air. Life is good. I can only hope we all take time to smell what Nature begs us to re-embrace. ~Momma

Friday in September

The seasons are changing; the heat is on here in the house, our preparations to close up windows to avoid escaping warmth has begun. One transition signals another, and life continues to move along at its pace. Coffee in hand, warm quick breads and muffins for breakfast. I love this time of year; not too hot, not too cold. Just right, Goldielocks.
My mind is filled once again today, seems to be so each morning. Maybe I need a dream catcher to suck up some of the dust of thinking but I believe those only work on dreams; at least that's what I've always been told. My ambition list looms in front of me, and my desire to procrastinate battles for top spot. Time to enforce meditation, for sure.
Tristan is starting a new class on Sunday through our church. I'm excited about it because of the Montessori approach to learning and being present in the room. I feel he'll do well once he and the other kiddos settle into how the hour goes and what they will come to learn each week. I'll be with him during the hour, more so as a classroom aide to assist with the teachers and the other children; I don't want to hover with Tristan but as his mother, being there to help will give me the opportunity watch how he'll grow. Observation without making it look like observation.
Speaking of classes, our local library is offering free, non-credit courses (through the state's department of libraries). As a member of the library, I can sign up for as many classes as I want, and they give you six months to complete the courses. I signed up for two, just to give it a shot. I figure it gives me an idea of what to expect with online learning, especially as I am ambitious to go back to school but really can only do it online. This could be good.
Yeah, I sound like someone putting alot of pokers in the fire of my life, but as each day comes, as time unfolds how my boys learn and how I adjust to meeting their needs, I find time to add. I also have been finding those moments to subtract. I'm scaling back on my time with Facebook, which I've really not been there all that often lately. Between doing new things with the boys, getting ready to close up gardens and move into new activities for the colder months to come, I'm just not finding the desire to go there like before. I have other ways to keep in touch with people, which I find refreshing. Change is good. I'm also getting more involved with other moms I'm meeting in the local area, so my focus is changing yet again. Like I said, change is good.
Well, the bell for my time is ringing; that would be Zachary giving me the cue he needs me. So, here's to Fridays and the potential for what they hold for each of us. ~Momma

Off My Posting and On My Mind

Tuesday's weather seems uncertain but with the hope and the promise of a new day for us, I take it in stride and know that we'll find something fun and rewarding to venture into today. My boys are now both awake, taking on breakfast and a cartoon. I have my time to throw words on paper-words on screen, that is.
Tuesdays are typically my Task Master talks, focusing on my latest venture of organizing through purging, sorting, etc...Today my mind is on the books I've been reading recently and the completion of two of those in question. Kitchen Table Wisdom, which I gave my views of through two posts, and Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner. The second title, one I embarked on through an online study, was also a good and quite moving piece for me to read for the last ten weeks. It also came at a time in my life when I needed it the most. Opening doors to the past, blowing the dust off memories and issues. Learning to look at those things in a new way, facing my fears of how to deal with them as well. I feel myself changing, a needed change for me as a woman, a mother, and of the many, many hats I've come to wear. I have felt at my lowest during my reading, and now with the final page highlighted, I feel I can move on into the light of tomorrow.
Hidden Joy was written and shared by the author and a part of her life's history that had marked her every step for 20 years. She was raped. When a woman is violated in such a way, it takes away so much of her life. Fear colors every dark corner, making it impossible to feel like a functional part of the world. I do not share in Wendy's feelings of violation, at least not exactly what happened to her. But I do know what it feels like to feel paralyzed by a trauma that renders you almost to the point of useless. I know what its like to feel like no one understands what you feel, think, etc...And now, I know what it feels like to finally feel the warmth of change on my face. I'm understanding that I'm not alone, and that I don't have to feel helpless anymore. I have a life, one filled with promise.
I'm now finishing the Woman's Meditation book. Good so far. Enlightening as I turn each page. A good way to get back into my yoga practice, to share that with my boys. A way to give time to and for myself, to share priceless time with my boys. Self care is so important today. With all the demands made on women, let alone women and men, it makes me see why most people run around on auto pilot. We're all in such a big hurry to get to the next thing, we miss what's in front of us. We get to tomorrow, ahead of schedule, and then express impatience at having to wait for Nature & Divinity to show up at the pre-planned time. Or we arrive late, and complain the whole time at what we're sure we missed, thus missing what we were destined to discover. Satisfaction is hard to find, or is it?
So there you have it. My morning thoughts. Food for thought for the day. What motivates you? What satisfies you? Are you in a hurry for what hasn't happened yet? Are you missing the big picture, or the little priceless moments you'll never have again? What legacy are you working on to leave behind for future generations? Lesson for today. Take 90 seconds-time it if you feel the need-to take a genuine deep breath (don't forget to exhale). Note how you feel. Write it on paper, type it on your smart phone. In a week, go back to it. Repeat. Love. ~Momma

Thoughts and Goals

Wednesday is here-have we already surpassed two days? Yes, we have. Today is our day to bake, and we've not baked a cake in two weeks; who wanted to last week with the extreme heat? We would have baked right here in the house, along with the cake! A day to spend on the back porch once my "chores" are done, and taking each moment as it comes. Comtemplating plans for the ECHO and for our weekly trip to the library.
My thoughts this morning seem to keep going back to books that I'm currently reading. Granted I'm reading them in chunks, as being a busy SAHM (stay-at-home mom) doesn't give me the time to read like I once had but I take what I can when it comes to quiet time for myself. So far this week, my oldest is taking an afternoon nap-can we say miracle? This, when combined with a napping one year old is like heaven. So far, I've taken the time to catch a show I've been meaning to watch (Netflix) or catch up on my reading. During those times, I also found myself just sitting and thinking about many different things that color my world. My reading lists seem to jump to the forefront, though. I'm getting ready to close a chapter in my reading life with the online study I've been a part of for almost ten weeks now. Reopening old wounds, doors that seemed once locked for eternity are now flung wide open. Looking at my life, foregiving the hurts and disappointments. I feel as if I'm standing in front of a full length mirror, taking a good, hard and long look at who I am. Where I've come from and where I stand today; knowing these helps project me to where I'm going for the future. I am marked by my experiences, being shaped into the woman I am yet to become. Setting those Gucci bags of bitterness, fear, and despair so far is the hardest thing to do but will be the most rewarding for the rest of my life. I can't white-wash my past but I can learn from it and let it go so it doesn't control my present or my future. My present needs me and my future will be shaped by the choices I make today. Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner has been a good read. I wonder if I'll take part in the study to follow. We'll see what happens.
I've also been reading Kitchen Table Wisdom, and to be honest, its been a hard read for me. Dr. Remen weaves her personal experiences of being a Crohn's Disease patient into the fabric of some of her many patients going through their own experiences. Most, if not just about all, of the stories I've read have been about cancer patients. And each story is different, with the color of reality of what cancer does to the patient diagnosed and the people in their lives. This book came at a time when I needed it the most. My maternal grandmother-mom's mom-passed away on Good Friday this year, after seven months from date of diagnosis: pancreatic cancer. I saw her when she was first diagnosed and three weeks before she passed. I kept in touch by phone, sending pictures through texting so she could see my boys and their lives. Its not the same as being present but its what I could do as she went through hospital stays, procedures, and treatments. In March, she said enough. She had her fill of what modern medicine was-and wasn't-doing for her. As she has always been the matriarch of my mother's family, this is the hardest hit we've ever experienced. With three and a little more months having passed since she transitioned to an eternity in heaven (I'm truly convinced she's there), we are still in a mode of numbness. Family gatherings, special events-we stumble along like zombie cattle. She's always been the center of it all, doing whatever she could to make each get together a memory.
My reading is bringing me to a level of a sort of understanding of what was going on for her, how her passing is affecting us, and what it means to continue living-because this is what she wants for all of us. I feel spiritually raw, emotionally exposed. And yet, the small, still voice speaks to me of a time coming when true understanding is on the horizon. To help with this transition for myself, I'm reading a third book, based on meditation for women. What I've learned so far in life, we pray for answers, healing, help. What we don't do often enough is to meditate to hear the response to our petitions. I'm learning, I'm learning.
So, my goals? To finish the three books in question-please see my book list of spiritually inspired books (leave out the Shadows book, as I've not picked it back up just yet), and to move back into the world of reading, researching, and writing. I've rough sketched what I want to focus on, finding inspiration in events and opportunities that are presenting themselves presently, and going with the flow of life as to where I'll be in the times to come.
With these thoughts posted, along with a brief burp of my goals, I'm off to bake cake, clean the garage, play with some visual artwork on the back porch, and love every moment I have with my boys. Life is good. The cardinals call to each other, embraced by the morning's singing of robins calling the sun to rise, the blue jays sending the squirrels scattering, and the weather waxes and wanes, so we're going to do what we can today. Enjoy! ~Momma

TGIF

Not sure why I'd be thankful its finally Friday; not like I have a out of the home job with banker's hours. Maybe its just in my system after all the years I have worked out of the home for someone else. Now my employers are about knee to waist high, change the rules constantly, and give me the look of "Whatta ya mean you didn't know?" My title is Mom. Demands all day; no smoke breaks-not that I smoke but I figured to throw that in there-plenty of overtime. Vacation doesn't exist. The last time I had a actual vacation from work was back in 2002 just before I started my undergrad adventure. Ten beautiful days of sun, relaxing by the creek, hanging with friends who now travel up and down the east coast as a gift of retirement, and letting all the things needed to be taken care of go for the time being. Oh, the days.....
Today, I write about books and wine. Being the hour it is, I'm not going to sip wine and talk about books. Coffee is my iv. Wine. I love wine. I was never one for it while in my 20's but when I reached the threshold of 30, along with a change in the view on my life, my taste changed a bit. I still love a good beer now and then, especially if its a microbrew. Locally made, makes for the perfect moment of knowing just where your beverage came from. Wine. Years ago, I picked up a book about wine tasting. How it works, how to do it, etc....read it, loved it. I've tasted wines from around the world. Some good, some to pass over. I've had cheap wines, and some middle of the road types. Don't believe I've done the top shelf stuff but there's always room to do so, if its meant to be. I personally love looking for discontinued wines. If it didn't do well for sales in a market, they discount and practically throw it out the door. That's when I make my move. Recently, I found two great flavors that I absolutely love. Discontinued. One white, one red. Romeo-the red, and Juliet-the white. Juliet is gone; great wine to add to recipes and to sip slowly. Romeo is open; also a good pairing for meals and a real slow sipper. Reds are my favorite-personally a Merlot girl but it stains my lips. If it comes in a unique bottle, I save it to clean and reuse for homemade vinegars, etc...The company's link for R & J is @ the end of this post for those curious about these yummy discontinued wines.
Currently, I'm part of an online study. Women, books, and exploration of the past. Yikes. I wasn't looking to get into something like this but it came to me and I knew I had to undertake it. Eye opening, awakening. I'm also reading three other books while working on this 10 week study. Spiritual awakening. I'm on my EAT-PRAY-LOVE adventure. Ten spiritually inspiring books to discover and read. I've discovered my ten, composed my list, and working on them as they come to me. Not prioritizing what to read when; letting it come into place as it should. See my list posted below for reference; I'm posting my list as I read, so you won't see a complete list until later on.
Today I'm going with the flow. Not sure exactly what my boys and I will venture into but with a small list of possibilities, we will go where it takes us. Another day of rain keeps us from gardens and poolside fun but it doesn't stop us from enjoying what life has to offer. Afterall, I'm Mom.

"If we fear loss enough, in the end the things we possess will come to possess us."
-Rachel Naomi Remen, MD "Kitchen Table Wisdom"

~Momma

www.pazzione.com

Tuesday after the weekend holiday

The Tuesday after a three day weekend holiday always seems to feel and look like a Monday when first rising. As caffeine sinks in to give me a boost, I realize it really is Tuesday. And its Task Master Tuesday. My list is full again-of course, when is it not? I'm taking my morning head emptying and then off to shower to get ready. Ready for what? The list, the daunting list. The list that never really goes away. Ahhhh....
I've never been one to create lists, to organize anything, to meet deadlines, etc...It wasn't until I attended Union Institute & University @ Vermont College (now online as opposed to campus stay) that I learned the fine art of prioritizing and making the most of education opportunities, which turned into opportunities in life to not miss out on if they're meant to impact your life. Four years of study, writing, research, more writing....I was being groomed for life after books, turning in papers, waiting to hear what my advisor had to offer with the work I turned in for review. I had tried college academia in the past but with traditional institutions, it just didn't jell for me. Intensive residency sang to my soul, and online learning silently screams for me to return to go the next level. So, I am preparing.
As I sit to continue this post, I get the itch to wrap it up. Sometimes, I catch myself wanting to rush to the end of something, whatever it is that I'm in the midst of working on. I have to pull back a bit to realize that I have to finish what I start with the task at hand. Historically, I've always been a non-finisher. Start something, get to a point where I either loose interest or something new comes along, so I stop where I am and leave it incomplete. Can't do that anymore. It has always left me feeling like something is missing for me. I've never liked that feeling; I would always look for things to fill that void and now its coming alive to tell me to sit up & notice or be taken alive. My life is different now. I'm still me but now I have children. I'm responsible for the upkeep of the "urban homestead." I have my own business, which has been in sleeper mode for the last year and a half. I'm on the verge of 40, and its time to start being the adult I claim I am. And here I am, the Task Master banging out the mental list. Good grief; thank God for college in my 30's.
Let's begin before the day keeps going without me. I don't want to miss this bus.
~Momma

"Delight the world with kindness, grace, & compassion."
-Yogi Tea

Reaching Maturity but not Ready for Retirement

So, as I opened my world through blogging to my readers-I have to post on my other blogs to let readers there know about my something new environment, my first tidbit of me is my threshold standing into my next decade.
When I was a teen, I couldn't fathom the idea of being in my 40's, let alone what it meant to be a woman in my 40's. To me, being in your 30's said OLD in bold caps. All I could focus on way back then was getting through high school without having to repeat a grade-I did repeat a handful of classes and still managed to graduate on time. I went through a period of time-years, really-trying to decide what career path would best suit me. As far as the public school system was concerned, my grades dictated that, not my dreams. I moved from veternarian to fashion designer to wanting to join the military-Semper Fi-and to this day, did none of those mentioned. I waxed and waned through my 20's, working in retail, attending cosmetology school to complete and play on that playground for almost ten years-I cut & henna my own hair here at home and deliver the necessary "man" haircuts to my mate & preschooler. It wasn't until I went through some serious life changes, many going nowhere jobs, a couple of moves, and a settling into a place of employment that I realized how when one door closes, another opens.
I worked in health care for six years, non-clinical, and tackled my undergrad after taking a wonderful herbal course based in central VT. I waxed and waned a bit with what I wanted to do with my degree once I completed, and with four years to explore through studies, I came through with endless possibilities. No, I don't think I'll work on Wall Street or be a brain surgeon but where my passions lay is what matters the most. Right now, I'm a mom first, a urban homesteader, a writer, artist, business owner, creatress. Most importantly, I'm right where I need to be. And the best part-I'm happy.

~Momma